World Recording Hunting – Fastest time to drink a pint of Mustard (pt 1/2)

How to make history in the age of confusion.

And far as I’m concerned, every bloke on gods green wants a slice of history. From Rove McManus in 2003, to say, an earlier Rove in 1999 - most people just want their name on the sign of something.

But what does it take to make history?


My reductionist take on this question has lead me to the following dilemma. Either you:

A) Put in years of hard work and dedication to create something meaningful



B) Sell your soul in the exchange for some cheap fame 


Now ,if you think about it, human beings first climbed out of the tree tops around 7 Million years ago. We've been poorly recording history for around 5,000 of those years. Lets discount this inaccurate, old, scroll assumptive, history for an Ian Dickson. We're left with six million nine hundred and ninety-five thousand years in which we don't have any idea what happened. No History. Nada.  That's a fair wack of time no matter which way you slice your Helgas. And what about the 5,000 years we do have? As i said, most of it is old and scroll assumptive. You hear me? Scroll assumptive. Don't make me say it again. Its really only until very recently in human history that we've started extensively recording events.

In other words 99.99% of human endeavors are lost in the ether of time.

So by that reasoning, even if you fall into camp A) (Da Vinci, Plato, Peter Helliar) OR Camp B) (Merlin from Big Brother, Hotdogs from Big Brother, Carlos from Big Brother), you're still the top 0.0007% of all history (as long as you're recorded somewhere).

So who gives an Arnotts biscuit if you're selling your soul for some cheap fame? You're in the top 1% cun. Just settle down a bit and we can get on with selling our souls harder than a Carpet Call commercial. People probably wont remember the selling of the soul part anyway.  If you can name ONE cunt who sold his soul in 1859, I’ll give you a melody pop and a kiss goodnight for the next 30 years. But if you can't, then welcome to the hustle.

“I get lonely sometimes, maybe we could do the kisses anyway?”– T Peacock 2019


So how in the name of Robert J mills can we sell our souls and get Ballistic Insides some of that sweet sweet cheap fame anyway?

Well, there's one foolproof way to get your name recorded in the annals of time.


Punishing world records cun.

Yep. You hold a record and Peter Guinness himself puts your name in the coveted book (to be read and gifted at Christmas in 2003). Huge footy.  So where to start?

After trawling through the official Guinness book of world records website, I came across not one but TWO records which seemed achievable and up my Diagon Alley. 

1. Fastest time to drink a bottle of ketchup (400mg)

2. Fastest time to drink 200MG of mustard

I'm surging like Voltorb at this point. All i need to do is skull some sauce and make the top 1% of history? Ballistic.

Now, when a heroes journey is revealed to you many prominent philosophers suggest that the ‘organizing idea’ should be the guiding light that pulls the individuals beast like nature in line with his inner altruistic nature. This idea will help motivate an individual and often comes in the form of a mentor or hero. This hero is meant to act as a lighthouse, who will inspire you to keep going when you're deep in the slog. An inspiration. An example.


Who the fuck could be my guiding light for condiment chugging?

It came to me as clear as Windex..... Ruddy. One sauce champion leading a condiment king as they both shake a bottle of Masterfoods all the way into the Encyclopedia Britannica.  See below:

With the hero in sight and some back and forth with Peter Guinness's team, I'm officially in the race. See Peter email below:

So that's the sauce covered. But you said pint of mustard pie? Wheres that record application? According to Guinness, that's not a record yet. So i''ll be the first.  Send in Robert mills, time to make history



Ballistic Insides Chief of Staff , Culture Champion and Receptionist - Pie

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