Pt 3 – Head bigger than Rove in 2007
KFC | MULLETS | LEG DAY
Yeah, I know. Yeah, you know. Shit, all three of us who read this know. I wrote a post about taking a shit at Revolver nightclub, got a few thousand views & my head grew. A few weeks later, I made brown cardigan reciting a milk commercial. This got a few hundred thousand views and my head ballooned. Next thing you know, my heads bigger than Rove in 2007, I blackout from fame and start writing posts about huffing glue in a scary attempt to stay relevant. It freaks out the three people, they go running for the Dandenong ranges and never visit Ballistic again. They didn't come here for chrome related humour pal.
They came here for the locks. They came here for the colonel. They came here for leg day. See shame below
“Stop scaring us. Please cunt?" - Former Ballistic Insides fan
You know what. I apologise. I mean it. But who here hasn't had a chrome related misstep in their past? Yeah, that's what i thought.
Now that the clag has cleared from the air, i have an update. I'm not done. I’m still out here working as hard as koala mattress advert to get these dreams cun. And yes, i do know what you're all thinking. People don’t read the long form blog anymore. Its not 1999 bruv, we like our information in bite size mcnugget pieces. But i told you once, chum, I preference a bucket of the colonels finest. So if you're not down with slabs of text, then i suggest you follow the path of the other 7.53 billion people on this rock (minus 3 fans) and stop reading now.
But if you are reading, you better buckle up Johnson. These quads are currently bursting out of these Levis. The colonel is currently quaking in his black string bow tie and yes bretherin – the mullet is scaring various family members into thinking I've delved head first into H a r d D r u g s.
"Is Tom okay? I mean...mentally that is?" - Various loved ones
So without further fucking around.
UPDATE 1: EATING THE ENTIRE KFC MENU
"The most common reason reason many people die from cardiac arrest is nobody knew CPR" - Michael Sayre
The colonel and his army of artery infiltrators are an innovative bunch. This week i hit the dirty birds new 'Cola BBQ Wicked Wing'
And it was just fucked. Look at that thing. The chicken glided through my teeth like a knife through a bucket of Meadowlea. But hold your crispy tender just one minute bud. Whats this sensation assaulting my tongue?
When the crisp hits the tip, your taste buds are ignited like a discarded Winfield in a rural Australian bush. If i wasn't so concerned about copping a jacketed hollow point to my sternum at the opening night of 'Joker', this may have been the highlight of my week.
Highly recommend. 9 clogged arteries out of 10.
UPDATE 2: GROWING A RUDE BOY MULLET
"That's more of a back afro, isn't it?" - Swan hotel Patron.
I've crossed a threshold here.
Look at that thing. Looks like a school of octopi have teamed up to gang bang my occipital bone. Looks like I copped a magnum bullet to the face and the bullet exploded out the back of my head. Looks like someone sneezed a minestrone soup into my cranium and it momentarily stuck there.
Look at that thing. Its glorious. Things are going very, very well on this front.
"Please, ask Toms family if he's okay mentally" - Various colleagues
UPDATE 3: ROCK HARD QUAD BUILDING
The quad is the Hagrid of the muscle group. The biggest muscle of the bunch, it remains hidden in a small hut (pants) throughout the course of the book (life). It does alot of the work and gets no respect, just like Hagrid. Yeah, they shit all over Hagrid in Harry Potter and he does heaps of shit. But what does he get in return? A dragon ripped from his clutches and sent to Romania? Fuck you McGonagall. I respect Hagrid and i respect the quad.
"Is there an elevator in this building" - T Peacock
And thats it. Thats all it is. The quads and mullet seem to be coming. But how the Shanghai noon am I meant to eat the entire KFC menu when they're releasing more gag food by the week. This will require some creative thinking with some outlandish solutions. Bye for now.