Stars today, utter disgraces tomorrow - The Australian Swimmers Hall of Shame

Ballistic insides 3 minute investigation into what makes our swimmers blowout once they step away from the pool.

With the Olympics little more than 6 months away, we’re once again plagued with the question the nation is forced to ask every 4 years.

Why do all our swimmers blow out?

Time and time again, we're seeing the same stories pop up in our papers, but what is it about the sport that sends our waters best into out of the fast lane and into a stillnox bender

The cool hard reality is - young men and women spend their youth staring at a slab of concrete being berated by other former swimmers with broken dreams.

And the result? Red wine and cocaine my friend. lets take a look a bit closer.


The king of the 1500m is a good place to start – Grant Hackett. Widely regarded as one of the greatest long-distance swimmers of all time, on multiple occasions winning gold for Australia at the olympics. A role model for endurance something for young swimmers to look up to.


Now we all assumed that once an athlete like of this calibrre retires, that they would gracefully transtion into some other venture. Perhaps coaching Or business pursuits.

As for grant i hear you ask?

5  bottles of red wine and nipple crippling guests my humble audience.

Grant has had a string of out of pool scandals, each more beserk than the last. The coup de grâce of these has to be the below.

But granty boy is just sample size of 1. Are any else of our wetsuited compadres has picked up a gold in shame?

Enter Geoff Huegill

Geoff Huegill – one of the great blowouts of our time. The former Australian butterfly swimmer was at his peak in 2000 when he was dual medal winner for australia. And then?



Yeah you heard me again. Packets of rack and packets of chips. That’s right. Cocaine and Fast food. Geoff take a  bow, you are highly regarded as one of the blowout greats. See media snippets below.


But geoff was good, but hardly a great. Surely our golden boy, thorpey di

“I get lonely sometimes, maybe we could do the kisses anyway?”– T Peacock 2019


So how in the name of Robert J mills can we sell our souls and get Ballistic Insides some of that sweet sweet cheap fame anyway?

Well, there's one foolproof way to get your name recorded in the annals of time.


Punishing world records cun.

Yep. You hold a record and Peter Guinness himself puts your name in the coveted book (to be read and gifted at Christmas in 2003). Huge footy.  So where to start?

After trawling through the official Guinness book of world records website, I came across not one but TWO records which seemed achievable and up my Diagon Alley. 

1. Fastest time to drink a bottle of ketchup (400mg)

2. Fastest time to drink 200MG of mustard

I'm surging like Voltorb at this point. All i need to do is skull some sauce and make the top 1% of history? Ballistic.

Now, when a heroes journey is revealed to you many prominent philosophers suggest that the ‘organizing idea’ should be the guiding light that pulls the individuals beast like nature in line with his inner altruistic nature. This idea will help motivate an individual and often comes in the form of a mentor or hero. This hero is meant to act as a lighthouse, who will inspire you to keep going when you're deep in the slog. An inspiration. An example.


Who the fuck could be my guiding light for condiment chugging?

It came to me as clear as Windex..... Ruddy. One sauce champion leading a condiment king as they both shake a bottle of Masterfoods all the way into the Encyclopedia Britannica.  See below:

With the hero in sight and some back and forth with Peter Guinness's team, I'm officially in the race. See Peter email below:

So that's the sauce covered. But you said pint of mustard pie? Wheres that record application? According to Guinness, that's not a record yet. So i''ll be the first.  Send in Robert mills, time to make history



Ballistic Insides Chief of Staff , Culture Champion and Receptionist - Pie

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