Some bloke is looking through your browsing history for gags.

Shitloads of things these days are connected to the internet. If you're connected to the internet, then you're sending data somewhere. If you're sending data somewhere, then you can bet your last pineapple that some ballistic IT data scientist is looking at it, summarizing it, and trying to predict what you do next.

I know this first hand. I used to work for an internet provider and once had a low-level analyst scroll through my internet history with my manager as a gag. Pretty fucked. I sense this is not what the Linkedin community recommends as a hot tip for career development. 

​"Scrolling through your internet history with your line manager is good for career development" - Linkedin Member

To be fair, we have known that the ISPs have been collecting info from our URL strings for several ions now. But did we think about the fact they could see when we first searched "Bikini" on dial up internet in year 5? Or that they can see when we activated the 'secret cheat' in  Boom Boom volleyball in year 6? Maybe that we spent 4 years limewiring bootleg episodes of family guy. Nice

But there are ways around this, aren't there pie? Doesn't going incognito mode or clearing my cookies absolve me of my digital crimes?


Clearing your internet history is like spraying some airwick after a small mild in a public cubicle. You can hide the traces of what happened in the immediate vicinity, sure. But all it takes is someone with the right access to do a bit of sniffing to uncooth the layers of data stench that are attached to your browsing.

Anytime you type anything into that chrome bar, that info is then pinged to the google databases. Google usually hides their search data from internet service provider (Optus, Telstra, TPG etc). This way they can keep their snooping in house. The internet providers do however track the URLs from every single site outside of search engines. This URL string then sits there for eternity next to your name, number and address. There’s usually a team of analysts who sit around assessing this shit, looking for ways to sell shit to you. Analysing you is as simple as identifying you from your phone number, summarising a few words in your URL strings and bang. Someone can see all your weird health insecurities, a buffet of your porn choices and that the fact you wikihow'd "How to change a Tyre" at 27 years of age. Shame on you. See neutralising odour below:

To be fair, most analysts do have a code of ethics. We all know better than to go digging around a mans chest of drawers when they’re aren't home - so what’s any difference with internet history? But since god invented the window, there’s been peeping Toms. So you can bet your bottom dollar theres already a few peeping Jeffreys sifting through peoples browsing behaviour at these companies. Realistically, there’s nothing stopping some bloke at Vodafone from connecting a database to a Wordpress website page right now. Perhaps they could encode some sort of search functionality and give users the ability to search someone by phone number. Eventually a user could find a target and scroll through their entire browsing history since the day they met Candi and Missy in primary school. Nice.

Now for all you low level browsers who are worried that some IT guys at TPG are going to send your porn history to your mum unless you give them a hundy bucks. Who gives a fuck? But, do not stress -  Your boy pie has some hot tips on how to keep your data away from the eyes of those pesky ISP analysts.

1. Have your internet in someone’s else’s name

Living in a share house? Significant other? With your Mum? Good news, if the internets in someone elses name, they’ll be the ones pinned for your Ashley Maddison account. You're 100% safe if an iinet analyst goes rogue. Score. 

2.Use a VPN

These bad boys have been jumbling up your signals since day one. I don't really know how it all works, but i think it scrambles various signals in the airwick? Well played, incomprehensible technology.

3. Pick your sites better

Heres a little tip they wont teach you in grade school.

You see that string that above ^, thats the bit that gets you. Any search functionality, or video titles that are displayed in the URL strings are slim pickens for analysts. 


However, there is a solution. Some websites, i.e PornHub, have put in a few cheques and balances in play to ensure that some grub doesn't try and ruin your family man reputation. 

See that URL? Nice and jumbled. No inferences today old friend. 

So when the great leak of 2020 , remember who gave you the hot tips of summer.


©2019 by Ballistic (In)Sides.